Have you ever tried fitting the belt to a dressing gown?
In life, there is very little that annoys me. Seldom do I cry out loud or wish to punch someone in the face. The only time I get close to this is when someone complains about the cost of a stamp or if they complain that fuel has gone up 1p per litre. On a 40 litre tank, this 40p could seriously dent someones savings...
Saying that, as a single man, I have to replace the bedsheets. And make the bed. And I have to do some ironing. And, when the baked bean stains get too much, I have to wash my dressing gown. Have you ever tried to fit the belt on to a dressing gown? The bloody things slithers out like a well oiled python when it’s so much as caught by a light breeze but try fitting the damn thing in again? Oh no.
Trying to marshal the belt through the loops is almost as strenuous as eating a Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut bar. It’s much the same with camping. Camping and zips do not work, yet I have never had an issue with the zip on a jacket or my trousers. Ever. Every morning I can feed the belt through my jeans without so much as a hiccup. So why, when I want to tie up my dressing gown so that my two female flat mates don’t see my testes do I encounter trouble?
Fitting a bed sheet and trying to persuade a duvet to stretch to the four corners of it’s cottony home proves similarly difficult. Marks and Spencer make ’easy-iron’ shirts, why don’t they make ’easy-fit’ duvet covers? Or, go one better. Why doesn’t someone make something that is like a blanket, you can wash the whole thing as one?
The more I think about these things, and the difficulties in my life, the more I wonder if I need a woman. Previously, I thought having a girlfriend was expensive. Weekly date night, the insatiable appetite for expensive ice cream, Waitrose goods and the ability to forget one’s purse on a night out left a bank account balance like the UK’s national debt. But how I was wrong...
Ironing for example is a great cheap way to waste time. Unless like me, you spend about 15 minutes ironing a shirt to perfection, and then when smoothing out the collar, somehow manage to completely mangle the left sleeve. In fact, I don’t know why anyone irons sleeves. Sleeveless shirts are hideous. People with sleeves normally roll them up anyway - thus rendering the ironing pointless. Anyway, I digress. Back to the cost of things. Seeing as ironing is rubbish and I dislike it, I have started taking my dirty grunts and shirts to the dry cleaners. And that’s expensive.
There was once a time when I didn’t have to worry about ironing, or making my bed, or threading the damned belt through the loops on my dressing gown and this leads me back to an earlier thought. I need someone to do these things for me. Seeing as I don’t have a girlfriend, I need a temporary one. I wonder if there’s a service for that. Perhaps I could pay in bitcoins. Perhaps I could go back to Tinder.