A Hairy Icecube

Tuna cheese melt? Blame the single man
  • Written by Gareth
  • February 8th, 2014
  • About Food

Tuna cheese melt? Blame the single man

Once upon a time I lived in East London. What it lacked in finesse, it made up for in take-aways. When one was strolling home after a few drinks (as one does), it was terribly hard not to ’pop’ into one of these establishments and stuff my fat little face full of delicious fried chicken and chips*.


Then, I moved. I moved into a nicer part of London. A part of London where, come 10pm it appears everyone goes to sleep. Everything shuts. There is no kebab. There is no beer. Nothing.

This leaves me stuck. Do I walk to another part of London? Certainly not when I’m ’sozzled’ - other parts of London are scary. Do I order a take away? Well, I could do, but my flatmates always throw away Pizza Go Go’s glossy menus. That means going on the internet. When I’m drunk, going on the internet is a bad thing. Who can resist lesbians after a few beers?

Now. I love cooking. I would happily give up my job to cook all the time - but I’d have no money and I’d have to shop in Iceland or something. But... I’m busy. So, I don’t cook that often any more. Plus, there’s a Brazilian BBQ around the corner and it’s only twenty pounds. The food is good, and the ladies are even better. Because of this, I don’t really have many things in my fridge:

Nutritious ingredients

2 limes, a few cans of Stella, some Hellmans, two jugs of cider, a red onion, some double cream (probably close to being cheese), a tin of coffee and some Hungarian sausage.

Have you ever had a fried egg sandwich with raw red onion and mozzarella?

You should. It’s quite simply amazing.

Despite this, when I get home. I will whip up something delicious! Once I came home, and I had a ball of mozzarella, a red onion and some eggs. Have you ever had a fried egg sandwich with raw red onion and mozzarella? You should. It’s quite simply amazing.

A coffee shop staple these days is the tuna cheese melt. Who ever thought: “I know what, let’s drain a can of fish and cover it in cheese. Then put it under the grill."? (a Welshman probably), yet it’s a match made in heaven. I would be willing to put a weeks salary on it being a drunk single man. Obviously it wouldn’t be a drunk man with a woman - there would be proper food in the fridge (please read the footnote).

This got me thinking - what other delicious, yet strange combinations has the drunk man made? I started doing a bit of research but then I got distracted by lesbians.

Century eggs

I bet back in China the Hongwu Emporer leading the Ming Dynasty was a bit drunk on snake wine or something. Looked in his cupboards and had nothing, remembered that he left an egg underground and decided to dig it up. I mean, no one sober would eat a black egg. Would they?


So, let me get this right. A fish that if prepared incorrectly can kill you. Why didn’t I think of that before? Again, can you honestly seeing a sober man thinking, yes, one slip of the knife and I’m dead? No. Drunk he will be wondering if it’s delicious with a blob of wasabi.


I digress... Find me a strange combination, and I will find you a drunken man somewhere. (I did have a conversation today about the possibility that the tuna and cheese melt came from a stoned man, but after much deliberation we decided that a stoned man wouldn’t go as far as cooking the tuna. It would be eaten from the can).

If you find yourself drunk, do let me know what you come up with - if you get stuck, follow these 7 great steps to heaven.

* Occasionally, my conscience would get the better of me and I would refuse the temptation of a 10^879 calories. At the time I was living with my then girlfriend. Sometimes she cooked - I can count the ’some times’ on one hand but that’s not the moral of the story - and when she did, I would simply go home knowing full well that the saltiness and fat left behind in PFC could be replaced by a steaming bowl of chickpeas and chorizo.

The Hairy Icecube
Hey There!
What is This?